On May 13, 2000, our son, David, was born.
We found out before he was born that he had a serious heart condition.
He seemed so perfect and looked so healthy at first. This didn't last and realizing our baby was not going to stay with us was heartbreaking.
His chances of surviving any surgery were so low they gave us the choice to attempt it or just spend some time with him. This was the hardest decision we ever had to make!
The surgeries were explained a few times and we just did not have any peace about putting our baby through all that was explained.
I looked around the ICU room a few times, seeing babies that had been there a few years, still suffering. We felt we couldn't do that to this baby.
If surgery was done, there was a high chance he would not survive it. To let our baby die in the hands of strangers under tubes and knives did not seem like the answer for our situation. . To place his body on ice and take his heart out seemed like the wrong thing to do.
We decided to take him home and show him what love is while he was with us. He spent time with his brother. We fed him, bathed him and held him.
It was hard to believe anything was even wrong with him.
The second day home we saw a change in him. He began to have problems breathing. I was not able to feed him.
We couldn't handle it on our own and rushed back to the hospital.
The way he suffered, watching him fight for breath and turning blue was extremely hard!
We would get visitors in our little hospital room, but at times they would be quick to walk away when he began gasping for air.
As parents however, we couldn't leave his side, though it hurt to watch. This went on much longer than anyone had expected. We so wanted to help him, but all we could do is hold him, rock him, and love him.
It came to the point where seeing his suffering just became too much to handle. My husband fell to his knees, started praying, and begging God to just take him. It was the most earnest and heartfelt prayer I have ever witnessed. He pleaded on behalf of our poor child.
I look back at that and see how Jesus pleads for us. On the cross He prayed, “Father forgive them…” Art pleaded, “Take him Lord. “
Within five minutes of my husband’s prayer, May 15th, Jamie’s 3rd birthday, our baby boy was free from suffering, comfortably wrapped in the arms of our Saviour.
We came back home that night to see his tub of water still standing in the kitchen. That empty, heavy feeling cannot be fully put into words.
This difficult experience gave me a picture of how God must feel sometimes when His children are in pain. He is preparing for us a place where there won’t be any more pain and is waiting for just the right moment to take us home. However, while we live in a fallen world, we will go through various trials and heartaches.
We were sad we didn’t get the chance to raise our two babies, but relieved that they were free from pain. God must feel sad seeing some of what we go through, but must also be relieved and excited when he sees that his children have decided to take the narrow way, (which is by faith in Christ alone) that leads to home. Each safe arrival must be a big celebration in heaven.
It took me a long time to have complete peace about everything we had gone through. God dug deep into our hearts through it all and has re-shaped many things in our lives since that time. He began a real work in us and is still working on it. One day the work here will be completed, and we will join our babies.
Today, looking back at everything that happened, I am seeing more and more puzzle pieces coming together. I look at the poem I wrote after losing our first baby and realize I was never forsaken!
I am very thankful to God for the miracles that occurred through painful events. There were times I felt hopeless and thankful could not have described me. I am sharing this now in hopes to be an encouragement. We hurt when we lose someone close, but it gives us much to look forward to!
It took me a lot of years to be able to see our story this way and be at peace with it.
We are often reminded that we are not to grieve as those who are without hope, for we will meet our loved one again. That is a wonderful thought and I do believe that. It really is part of what always kept me going. This doesn't mean we are not allowed to hurt or go through many different emotions.
Each person needs to go through a grieving period and our babies will not be forgotten.
For weeks I could smell David in his little room. I would often just sit in there by myself. We had to process the events.
We needed to talk about our babies and remember them. We wanted others to remember them, not avoid the topic. Loved ones are often afraid to bring it up.
Romans 8:28 ``And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.` This is very hard to comprehend when going through losing a child. It`s okay to not understand it . Speak to God honestly about your thoughts and feelings.
I can now testify that God has worked all that happened for good in our life. Losing a child was not good but GOD worked it all out for good in so many ways, by giving us a hope and helping us to trust in Him. He cared for us and has blessed us beyond what I ever imagined He would.
