A Healthy Baby Boy

It's a boy! A healthy, screaming, adorable little boy. We had boy #3. Only this time, there weren't any complications and he was completely healthy! We named him Anthony.



This is what every mom hopes for. For me, it was a miracle! I didn't know if there was even a possibility for that ever, after David passed away.

I hadn't been sure , I ever wanted to take the chance  again. Now, I was so happy we had another baby.



Anthony was a very easy going,  content baby. His older brother loved playing with him.  Thinking back on it, the two boys didn't keep me very busy. Jamie  liked things cleaned up,  Anthony was always happy.  There was lots of time for play and I loved it.



I wanted to teach my boys about God.  I wanted to teach them "just right".

I tried to keep a lot of traditions, that I had been brought up with.  For me that was another attempt at pleasing God and people, too.

If I stuck with the church, wore a head covering, wore the right clothes, make sure I don't work on Sundays, (so on went the list) maybe things would all work out. Maybe rally bad things wouldn't happen anymore.

Even though I knew Jesus died for our sins and I had accepted him at a young age- I still thought- I need to keep working for my salvation. I thought I would lose my salvation every time I failed him or anyone. So, I had to please God and people.

Secretly, I  thought, losing our babies was the hell he had created for me because, I had not met up to the expectation God had for me. Words I had been told when I was a little girl were still haunting me. I was told I would go to hell if I wasn't good enough.

Now, he gave us this healthy boy, I didn't feel I deserved! I needed to do whatever I could to keep them.

Fear had a grip on me.

Would I ever be able to keep it all together and live out the expectations I felt were on me?

Would I find a way to please God enough and keep the people around me happy?

Would God allow me to keep these boys if I didn't find met the "standards" I had been taught?

Did the fact that I accepted Christ all those years ago still count for today?

(To read a full version of my faith journey, go HERE .)

 

 

 

Saved by Grace

All of us are born sinful. People might do good things but we are not born good….because to be good would mean to be perfect, never breaking God’s commands, always doing God’s will.

We need to acknowledge that we have all sinned. Then we can cry out to God for mercy and forgiveness and repentance. God has paid the price of sin through Jesus who died on the cross for our sins. If we believe in Jesus, confess our sins and turn from it, He will forgive us.

The bible says to seek God and search for Him with your whole heart. If we do this and ask Him to fill us with the holy Spirit, He will and that gives us a new life. This is what it means to be born again. There is no other gift as great as the gift of the holy Spirit! We then will want the things of God. We will love God and He will become the most important thing.

This does not mean now you will be perfect. This just means that God will teach you and show you day by day what he wants or does not want you to do. It will not make life easy, and there will still be temptations and mistakes. So we just have to continually pray and ask for His guidance.

When a baby is born they need time to grow and learn . It does not happen all at once. The same thing when we are born again, we will grow each day, and become more like Jesus. God will show us bit by bit. Only God is able to do all this in our lives.  It is not the things we do that make us Christian, it is faith. We can not make ourselves Christians no matter how hard we try. By faith though, HE will bring us to Himself and we will want to live the way God wants us to and the things we are doing will often show that we are Christians.

God will make us a light in the dark because of what he has done in our lives.

©Nancy Wall

Remembering

I was walking through the hallways of a very familiar hospital.  Suddenly it seemed like just yesterday that  I had given birth to my first baby in this same place.

We were there to visit a new momma and her new born baby.  For me this became a trip down memory lane.

As we got on the elevator, I met up with very familiar nurse named Marie. She had taken pictures for me of our first born and was just so very kind to us while we had been there.

Every step began to fill my heart with grief.  I felt myself slowing down. My heart was pounding and I started getting nervous as we approached the rooms that I now remembered so well.

I found myself taking in a lot of details and just feeling the moments as the memories flooded my mind.

Just pass the nurses station was THAT room. The room they had taken our sick baby into several times and pulled all the curtains closed so we could not see what was going on. As a parent you want to be there when your child needs you... but yet I could not do that.

We must have walked by all these areas quicker than it seemed. Just across the hall from this sad room, was where I had stayed and was where we were now headed to visit a new excited mommy.

As we entered the room, there she sat on the bed holding her first born, with daddy sitting on the chair beside her. They were happy with excitement . It was a beautiful picture of a family.

More memories washed over me. There in that same bed, I once sat holding our own baby as he passed away in my arms. In that moment, I could not see any beauty in that memory.

My visit was no  longer about this new family, it was about me. If I hadn't been so wrapped up in my feelings at that moment, I may have realized it was actually selfish.

I  just wanted to run out.  We stayed for a little while and even though I went through the motions of chatting with the new parents, my mind was not focused on it.

All the way home, my mind went in many directions.  I thought about my very first experience as a mom- how it had never worked to feed him, or never even changed his diaper. I thought about how my parents and his parents stood around us as our baby passed away.

I also thought about Jamie. Memories of how he was rushed to Toronto hospital came back, the hours of waiting for his surgery to be over  and the relief when we finally got to take him home.

Then there were the memories of David. The most precious memories were of when we took him home-feeding him, changing him, bathing him, cuddling with him and his older brother.  There  was also the memories of his suffering as we headed back to the hospital with him. The hours of waiting and trying to comfort him, until he found complete rest in the arms of Jesus.

We got home and I sat outside for sometime. As I thought about all of this, I felt sure that I never wanted to take the chance of experiencing any of this again. I told God I didn't want to have more children. I didn't want to risk being hurt again.

A few days later, I was staring down at my positive test results and in that moment I thought, "Please Lord , this can't be true.... I can't be pregnant. I can't do it."

©Nancy Wall

(Stay tuned to find out where the journey took us.)

 

 

Losing David

On May 13, 2000, our son, David, was born.

We found out before he was born that he had a serious heart condition.

He seemed so perfect and looked so healthy at first. This didn't last and realizing our baby was not going to stay with us was heartbreaking.

His chances of surviving any surgery were so low they gave us the choice to attempt it or just spend some time with him. This was the hardest decision we ever had to make!

The surgeries were explained a few times and we just did not have any peace about putting our baby through all that was explained.

I looked around the ICU room a few times, seeing babies that had been there a few years, still suffering. We felt we couldn't do that to this baby.

If surgery was done, there was a high chance he would not survive it. To let our baby die in the hands of strangers under tubes and knives did not seem like the answer for our situation. . To place his body on ice and take his heart out seemed like the wrong thing to do.

We decided to take him home and show him what love is while he was with us. He spent time with his brother. We fed him, bathed him and held him.



 

It was hard to believe anything was even wrong with him.





The second day home we saw a change in him. He began to have problems breathing. I was not able to feed him.

We couldn't handle it on our own and rushed back to the hospital.

The way he suffered, watching him fight for breath and turning blue was extremely hard!

We would get visitors in our little hospital room, but at times they would be quick to walk away when he began gasping for air.

As parents however, we couldn't leave his side, though it hurt to watch. This went on much longer than anyone had expected. We so wanted to help him, but all we could do is hold him, rock him, and love him.

It came to the point where seeing his suffering just became too much to handle. My husband fell to his knees, started praying, and begging God to just take him. It was the most earnest and heartfelt prayer I have ever witnessed. He pleaded on behalf of our poor child.

I look back at that and see how Jesus pleads for us. On the cross He prayed, “Father forgive them…” Art pleaded, “Take him Lord. “

Within five minutes of my husband’s  prayer, May 15th, Jamie’s 3rd birthday, our baby boy was free from suffering, comfortably wrapped in the arms of our Saviour.

We came back home that night to see his tub of water still standing in the kitchen. That empty, heavy feeling cannot be fully put into words.

This difficult experience gave me a picture of how God must feel sometimes when His children are in pain. He is preparing for us a place where there won’t be any more pain and is waiting for just the right moment to take us home. However, while we live in a fallen world, we will go through various trials and heartaches.

We were sad we didn’t get the chance to raise our two babies, but relieved that they were free from pain. God must feel sad seeing some of what we go through, but must also be relieved and excited when he sees that his children have decided to take the narrow way, (which is by faith in Christ alone) that leads to home. Each safe arrival must be a big celebration in heaven.

It took me a long time to have complete peace about everything we had gone through. God dug deep into our hearts through it all and has re-shaped many things in our lives since that time. He began a real work in us and is still working on it. One day the work here will be completed, and we will join our babies.

Today, looking back at everything that happened, I am seeing more and more puzzle pieces coming together. I look at the poem I wrote after losing our first baby and realize I was never forsaken!

I am very thankful to God for the miracles that occurred through painful events. There were times I felt hopeless and thankful could not have described me. I am sharing this now in hopes to be an encouragement. We hurt when we lose someone close, but it gives us much to look forward to!

It took me a lot of years to be able to see our story this way and be at peace with it.

We are often reminded that we are not to grieve as those who are without hope, for we will meet our loved one again. That is a wonderful thought and I do believe that. It really is part of what always kept me going.  This doesn't mean we are not allowed to hurt or go through many different emotions.

Each person needs to go through a grieving period and our babies will not be forgotten.

For weeks I could smell David in his little room. I would often just sit in there by myself.  We had to process the events.

We needed to talk about our babies and remember them. We wanted others to remember them, not avoid the topic.  Loved ones are often afraid to bring it up.

Romans 8:28 ``And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.` This is very hard to comprehend when going through losing a child. It`s okay to not understand it . Speak to God honestly about your thoughts and feelings.

I can now testify that God has worked all that happened for good in our life.  Losing a child was not good but GOD worked it all out for good in so many ways, by giving us a hope and helping us to trust in Him. He cared for us and has blessed us beyond what I ever imagined He would.

A Desperate Plea

Dear Lord,

    I am asking thee. Don't take away what you have given me. I've grown too close, to lose him now. To bear it again, I don't know how.

    He would make a beautiful angel, I do agree...But all the pain and sorrow that would be. I would not be strong enough to get through that again.  For whatever may come, I will need your hand.

    I do not know what You have in store for me. I need to have a lot more faith in thee.  Just give me  directions, to heaven's gate. Where sorrow is no more, if not too late.

    This is my prayer tonight to You. All this, I'm sure You already knew. Thank You for listening to all I have said.  And letting me get out, all the  thoughts I have had. 

By Nancy Wall   (written January 15, 1997)

Less than a year had passed since Losing Our First Baby .

We were now expecting  another child.. Four months before our baby was born, we found out our baby had a heart condition.  This poem was written the same day I found out.

Before our first baby had passed away, I would have never thought of the possibility of losing him. Now, I could picture it happening all over...

Thus, began my desperate plea to keep this baby.

Looking back on that, I am reminded of Hannah, who begged God for a son. (1 Samuel 1)

She begged for a son, but promised to give him back to God. God did answer her prayer.

God answered my prayer as well. We had a son on May 15, 1997. We named him James. ( usually call him Jamie) God did spare his life.

Like Hannah, we need to leave our children in God' hands. We need  to trust Him in the season we  are in , with their future and for their salvation.

I didn't learn that instantly. I am still in the process of learning that each day now.

I had been talking to God since I was a child. I asked him to show me the truth and to help me do what He wanted me to do. During my baptism I asked him to reveal his will to me.. to show me what I was missing.

I read the poem I wrote before Jamie was born, and I see the doubts I was still having about the FREE gift of salvation. When I accepted Jesus, it was a sincere commitment, but yet I often thought... there must be a catch.

God still had a lot more to show me...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Losing Our First Baby

We slowly walked through the grave yard, reading some of the names on gravestones along the way.

Our four-year-old son, Jamie was carrying flowers that we were planning to put by the graves of his two brothers.

Memories of the events that took place with our precious babies, came flooding back,  but it seemed so peaceful at that moment as we were looking at their gravestones.

We placed the flowers by each of their stones, took our son’s hand, and began walking back to our car.

Suddenly Jamie pulls back anxiously as he tells us, “Wait, I want to stay! I’m going to wait for God to come and get the flowers for my brothers!” I looked at him in amazement and could suddenly picture God coming to get those flowers and putting them in just the right place in heaven.

Perhaps that day gave me a good glimpse of the hope God wants to place in our hearts. The previous five years we had been very blind to that hope and our faith was shaken after losing our babies. I had done a lot of praying and knew I needed God, but still had often felt depressed.

(going back)

When we found out we were going to have our first we were very excited. Everything went well with the pregnancy. I had all my prenatal appointments, three ultrasounds, took my vitamins, ate well, and didn’t do anything that could be harmful to our unborn child.

The time came on June 22, 1996, for me to have our baby one week before I was due. We drove to the hospital through a severe thunderstorm.

I couldn’t believe that I was about to be a mom!

The  excitement didn’t last as the labour progressed. It began to seem as though there wouldn’t be anything normal in my journey to becoming a mom as we waited for baby to come.

By the time baby AJ was born, I could feel more bad news was about to come our way. Our baby was very briefly placed on me, but taken away before I could even see whom he looked like. Something wasn’t right!

My husband and I both sat there speechless, not knowing what was going on. All they told us was to wait for them to bring our baby back.

Finally a doctor came back to talk to us, but still no baby. He told us our baby had what was called Opitz-Limli-Syndrome (a severe case of it) and they didn’t know how long he would live. We were in shock!

For the next few days I felt myself going with the flow, feeling numb, holding baby, going through the motions but it was like I wasn’t there.

Nurses took pictures for us and were so kind and loving, but I had little to say. Forty-nine hours after his birth, our baby who had never cried, never ate, never moved a muscle passed away in my arms.

I looked at his face and thought

Here is my son, which God has brought

In my arms he laid

Feeling so weak, ready to fade

I touched his cheek, stroked his hair

a tear rolled down, it didn`t seem fair

My feelings and all felt so mixed

This was something I could not fix

He opened his eyes and looked at me

Oh Dear Lord, How could this be

I saw much peace deep in his eyes

In that moment we said our goodbyes

I looked at his face feeling forsaken

Here is my son which God has taken

  As funeral arrangements were made it all felt very unreal. The day of the funeral is when it all hit me hard and reality really sunk in. We were actually going to our own baby`s funeral.  My heart felt very empty.

 Something I never would have guessed would happen to us had happened. The storms that were ahead of us yet to come would continue to take us by surprise.

©Nancy Wall

God First

One lesson we often learn the hard way,  is to put God first in our lives.  We see this problem throughout all of history.

Adam and Eve got themselves into trouble by wanting something other than God.

The Israelites fell into sin, and even worshipped a false god, after God, their Creator had miraculously rescued them from the Egyptians.

Over and over we can read stories in he Bible about people turning away from our Heavenly Father.

We see the same thing happening today.

I recently heard a message (preached in a church) by a man, claiming to be a Christian. A message which shocked me!  He was preaching, being gay is not a sin, because God does not want us to be lonely. The things we could all do, in the name of loneliness!

I can look back at my own life and see that I have not always been faithful in living for God.  I accepted Jesus as Saviour when I  was twelve, but that is not all there is to our walk with God. Our walk with Him needs to continue and we need to grow.

I was later told that I was wrong about accepting Jesus that way and we cannot know we are saved. We can only try our best and then hope God has some mercy on us and will let us into heaven one day. I began to feel confused about my decision. I  put it on the back burner most days until I forgot about that day altogether.

This left me feeling lonely. I knew I needed Jesus but couldn't seem to reach Him enough to fill that empty spot anymore.

Since we moved so much, it was hard to make and keep friends. Every school I went to was different than the one before. I lived in a few different worlds. Sometimes, we lived in the  Mennonite culture of Mexico for a while, which you can read more about  here .  Other times in various places in  Canada.

I tried hard to make friends by trying to fit in where we lived. In the name of "loneliness" I fell into sin by going along with what others were doing,  joining in on sin. The lonely feeling remained.

When I was 15, I met my husband. For the first time in years I felt like I could just be myself. I thought this was the answer and I would never feel alone again.

We both decided to get baptized a few years later, as was tradition in our culture before marriage. During my baptism, I began to feel very convicted about how I had been living my life without Jesus.  I still wasn't sure how I would fix that, but I prayed, "God, show me what is missing, what I am not seeing. "

Life continued on as planned. We got married at a very young age. I had assumed a married couple could never feel lonely and we could now just live "happily ever after."  I now don't believe that is the case, no matter how good your marriage is. God has to come first.

We were not ready for marriage and we were not putting God first.

I wanted to have a baby right away. That would bring completion to my heart's desire and would fix everything, I thought. I was very excited at the thought of holding my very own baby.

Nine and a half months later, I very briefly held my own baby, before he was rushed away for medical treatment. He was a very sick little boy. He lived for 49 hours,  before passing away in my arms.

I won't share the details about all of this today, but I will tell you.. all that was left was Jesus! I began to do a lot of praying. I began to see only God could help me get through life.

This wasn't the end of that story, but was also the beginning of a new one. I will share more details next time.

For today, I just want to say... we need Jesus. He is our Comforter, our Helper. He is the one that will always be there, if we let Him! (The book of John in the Bible is a great place to start reading about him.)

We cannot depend on any human being to fill the place  Jesus  should have. Not our friends, not our spouse and not  even a baby can take his place.

©Nancy Wall

 

 

 

 

 

Reviving Love

Love is patient. Love is kind. It is not selfish n'or proud.

Love is obvious in many places. The love between a couple, or a close family is a wonderful blessing!

I want to go an extra mile on this topic though; to a place of unconditional love.

I recently saw a picture circulating on facebook that said, " I don't have time to worry about who doesn't like me... I'm too busy loving the people who love me. "

In a sense this might be good advice. Our top priority should not be to make sure everyone likes us.  On the other hand, this is not biblical.

Here is why:

Matthew 5:43-48

⁴³ Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbour, and hate thine enemy.

⁴⁴ But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you;

⁴⁵ That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust.

⁴⁶ For if ye love them which love you, what reward have ye? do not even the publicans the same?

⁴⁷ And if ye salute your brethren only, what do ye more than others? do not even the publicans so?

⁴⁸ Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect.

In my last post, I wrote about  God's Love.

Assuming,  we want to love more like God loves us, we  have a lot to learn! We need to allow God, our Heavenly Father,  to love through us when we don't even know how.

Agape is a Greek term for one of the four types of love in the Bible.  In 1 Corinthians (KJV) agape is translated as charity, which is love.

1 Corinthians 13

Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not charity, I am become as sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal.

² And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries, and all knowledge; and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, and have not charity, I am nothing.

³ And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, and have not charity, it profiteth me nothing.

⁴ Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up,

⁵ Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil;

⁶ Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth;

⁷ Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.

⁸ Charity never faileth: but whether there be prophecies, they shall fail; whether there be tongues, they shall cease; whether there be knowledge, it shall vanish away.

⁹ For we know in part, and we prophesy in part.

¹⁰ But when that which is perfect is come, then that which is in part shall be done away.

¹¹ When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.

¹² For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.

¹³ And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity.

What I have been seeing is that there is not enough love among people. The world around us needs to see love among Christians and we so often fail them. Without love we will not be a light in dark places.  Without love, there isn't anything we can do to reach out to those in need.

Love should  be evident between all believers. We need our focus to  be on Jesus. Our focus can only be on Him if we let go of any unforgiveness and love whole heartily.

We waste time by putting our focus on the things we don't like in others.

Lord, I pray...  Take me to a deeper level of your love, and pour it out through me in a greater  way.

Allow God to Revive us again, with HIS  unconditional  love by which He gives us eternal life.

©Nancy wall

How Great, The Love of God

As I study the scripture on the topic of love , I feel more and more that we cannot fully apprehend God's love.  So, how can I  even begin to write about love?  

 Our human eyes  only see glimpses of what it is. As we grow in our faith, our view on love becomes broader, but we still don't see the complete picture.

From what we do perceive, I think most of us would agree that love is a marvelous existence. The thought of love is an abating thought.  Naturally, we all long to be loved.  We are  on a  journey in search of love to fill the hole that is in each heart without it.  Only God is able to completely fill that space and meet all our needs.

Here is the glimpse I caught in my own journey of God's love and wrote a poem about it:

 

God's  Love

Deeper than the deepest ocean

Wider  than the widest sea

Higher than the highest stars

Is God's love for you and me

Who can ever grasp this love

Full of mercy , that never fails

Seasoned with his special grace

Guides us through life's rocky trails

Always forgives and hugs our hearts

A gentle hand God reaches out

Seeing always our every need

Hearing every whisper; every shout

God's love is by far, much more

Than we can fully comprehend

Loved us so, He gave his Son

His love so great and without end

Love , Who can  know it, I will ask

Too, amazing for my mind

But see  the evidence all around

A gift in us , to the world must shine

His love is perfect. It does not end. Full  of compassion, forgiveness, peace and joy. His love gives grace by which we are saved.

John 3:16 - For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.

Isaiah 54:10 - For the mountains shall depart, and the hills be removed; but my kindness shall not depart from thee, neither shall the covenant of my peace be removed, saith the Lord that hath mercy on thee.

May the Love of God become more and more real and evident in all of Jesus' followers . May all those who do not know Jesus personally realize their need for him as their personal Saviour.

©Nancy Wall

How did God Provide?

Here it is ! The van God provided...

In my last post, I told you about our need for a new van. We wanted to wait on God to provide the right one for us.  Doing so has been quite a journey!

Many times we found one  we thought we would buy, but things just weren't working out. Some vans were not in very good condition, didn't have enough money or it sold before we got to it.

We got a few anonymous surprises which  gave us a higher budget  to work with.  Thank you so much to whomever God used in that way!

A few days before buying a van, my husband was thinking of his dad, who passed away a few years ago. He was telling me if  he were still alive, he would probably have made sure we had a van by now. The next day he goes to visit his mom. His mom hands him an envelope and says , "this is from dad." Inside there was $700 dollars. He had put money away for each of his children, which his mom was to give to them some day.

Not only was this a very special gift , but also turned out to be exactly what we still needed!

The very same day he got the money from his parents, someone called us back, who was now willing to sell the van for exactly the amount we had. We were amazed! Took it as direction from God that this was the way to go.

Oh ya! Still have to pay taxes on the van.. Now what? My son had worked for my cousin the week before. He had made enough and volunteered  to pay this. That made the decision to go get this van final.

Out of the money we received, we had tithed $200. Another very neat thing happened! When all was said and done, we ended up having $210 dollars left over.  Could hardly believe how that all happened and were so excited and thankful.

More test came on our way home. The transmission broke down on us!

We couldn't understand why God would have so clearly directed us to this van if this was going to happen! As we sat there and prayed, I really started to see beyond the here and now. First of all, this was only a van and not our treasure.

We didn't know what would happen.  The money we paid for this van was God's not ours. He had provided it and could do as He saw fit with it.

When we claim to have faith, we will be tested on that. This was one of those test.  It took me some time to meditate on all of this. I had moments where I just didn't know what we should do next.

Thankfully, the van was taken back by the previous owner and he was willing to fix it. He paid  the transmission and did the labour himself.  We only paid for towing.  We realized, he could have refused to help us in any way but didn't.

Once more God provided all that we needed. We now have a vehicle to get us where we need to go.

We pray and ask God to teach us to trust him more. He uses circumstances like this one to do just that!

©Nancy Wall

 

 

 

God Will Provide

[caption id="attachment_526" align="aligncenter" width="640"] a close meeting with a deer[/caption]

We have been given another chance to really trust God with our finances.

My husband was hit by  a deer,  and this is the damage it caused. Our van was not worth a whole lot anymore , but still reliable enough to get us around and the only vehicle we owned. We live way out in the country and having something to drive is definitely a need.

We put in a claim with the insurance thinking they would fix our vehicle or replace it. However, when all was said and done, we found out we were only clearing $695 after our $1000 deductible.

Hubby tried to convince the insurance company that it was not right of them and we expect more... but there wasn't any way to  change their minds, it seemed.

So often in the pass we took things in our own hands when in need . That is why our payments  are so high each month that we can't seem to keep up.  Often it felt like there was no choice but to borrow money, with which one usually pays a good amount of interest.

We are determined not to do that anymore and having this happen, really put us to the test on that. We wanted to depend on God to provide us with another van.

As we were about to sign the papers for the $695, I told my husband we should try calling the insurance company one more time. He said, he already tried and he didn't want to call them again, but I could go ahead.

I began to pray that God would bring the right person to the phone and dialed the number. I explained to them again that we felt they should be giving us more.  She put me on hold, while she looked at our file to see what was being done with it.

Normally,  being put on hold can make me somewhat impatient, but now it was an opportunity to pray. I asked God to appeal their decision for us and to direct their hearts. I asked him to provide us with our need in whatever way He saw fit.  I told him , I would trust him in this and be content with the decision they were now making.

When the lady I had spoken to came back on the phone, she didn't ask me any further questions and  right away told me our deductible would be $50 and they could send us $1645. It was a very special God and I moment and I could have  dropped the phone in awe.  Thank you Lord for being there!

We do not have a van yet, but it doesn't even matter to me right now. I trust God is working it all out. We have had people tell us we should be getting even more than that but I told God, I would be content with the outcome of that phone call . I am  grateful we are $1000 closer to being able to buy something than we were.  I believe we will find something for that price or God will provide us with the amount needed. It's just a matter of waiting on Him.

This is just one of the financial situations we are facing. It gave us a clearer picture of what it means to rely on God for provision. I am praying he will give us wisdom in all areas. We don't  know what will happen with our finances or how God will see us through it all, but it is  comforting to know we are in good hands.

If you are reading this, perhaps you could pray for us about these things.

If you are facing similar situations, I pray this post will encourage you to trust in the Lord for providing all your needs. Sometimes that means to wait a bit longer than we are comfortable with, but his ways are better than ours and worth waiting for.

Our wait is not over as far as a different vehicle goes. I will update you when I see the outcome of this.

You have trusted Him in a few things, and He has not failed you. Trust Him now for everything, and see if He does not do for you exceeding abundantly above all that you could ever have asked or thought, not according to your power or capacity, but according to His own mighty power, that will work in you all the good pleasure of His most blessed will. You find no difficulty in trusting the Lord with the management of the universe and all the outward creation, and can your case be any more complex or difficult than these, that you need to be anxious or troubled about His management of it?
-Hannah Whitall Smith

©Nancy Wall

 

 

Embracing Joy

A merry heart doeth good like a medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones. Proverbs 17:22

In my last post I spoke about Depression . Now, let us go in the opposite direction and find our way to   JOY.

Thou wilt shew me the path of life: in thy presence is fulness of joy; at thy right hand there are pleasures for evermore. Psalm 16:11

Can't find your way? God will show us the way. Sometimes we have to go through the wilderness to get to our destination.  He warns us a broken spirit dries the bones. He tells us having a merry heart is good for us.  He wants us to have joy.

Everyone can have happy moments or enjoy the earthly pleasures in life for a time. Those things don't last though and will not meet our real need. If that is all we have, times will come that will destroy our "happiness. " Real joy comes from God himself.

Jesus said , "Nevertheless I tell you the truth; It is expedient for you that I go away: for if I go not away, the Comforter will not come unto you; but if I depart, I will send him unto you." John 16:7

When we are filled with the holy spirit, we will be filled with joy.  That is one of the ways to recognize a believer.

Ye shall know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes of thorns, or figs of thistles? Matthew 7:16

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith... Galatians 5:22

The hope of the righteous shall be gladness: but the expectation of the wicked shall perish. Proverbs 10:28

There are many different seasons in our lives. We will not always feel happy. We will go through times and heartaches that will be painful.  Those are the times where we have to trust that this too shall pass and God is still good.

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;  Ecclesiastes 3:1-4

Even though we may not always feel happy about our circumstances, we can still keep our joy in the Lord. He remains the same and is still with us. His love is still there. Through times of weeping  is often when we find a deeper connection with God. When we allow pain to lead us closer to God , rather than fill us with resentment, we will reap good fruit and be blessed.   

...weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning. Psalm 30:5

They that sow in tears shall reap in joy. Psalm 126:5

The best answers come straight from the Bible so I will leave you with a few more verses.  

As the Father hath loved me, so have I loved you: continue ye in my love. If ye keep my commandments, ye shall abide in my love; even as I have kept my Father's commandments, and abide in his love.These things have I spoken unto you, that my joy might remain in you, and that your joy might be full.  John 15:9-11

I have not always depended on God through through my own trials but am learning more just how much we needed Jesus to save us from our sins. Knowing that gives me so much to be thankful for. I do not want to waste my time being too depressed to fulfill my purpose, but want to embrace the joy of the Lord which He is willing to pour over all of us. We just need to put Him first in our lives.

Here are a few of my favourite quotes on this subject:

"Joy is not the absence of suffering. It is the presence of God." Robert Schuller

"Joy is prayer - Joy is strength - Joy is love - Joy is a net of love by which you can catch souls. God loves a cheerful giver. She gives most who gives with joy. The best way to show our gratitude to God and the people is to accept everything with joy. A joyful heart is the inevitable result of a heart burning with love. Never let anything so fill you with sorrow as to make you forget the joy of the Christ risen. " Mother Teresa

Now to him who is able to keep you from stumbling and to present you blameless before the presence of his glory with great joy... Jude 1:24

 

 

Dealing with Depression

I am going to write about a topic I don't like to talk about very much today. The battle is on at the moment and I declare the Lord will conquer as always. I put my faith in Him and will allow myself to fall in his arms trusting He will catch me.

I have often dealt with depression.  It was after our second baby boy passed away that it really hit hard though. I blamed the circumstances at the time. I couldn't find joy in anything and it seemed like the only thing I ever felt was pain. Everything hurt.  This went on for a few years. Eventually though I had a break through. We began going to a church where I heard God`s truth in so many areas that I had been blind to. I was so encouraged by others who had put their faith in Christ. I began a journey away from the lies the enemy had filled my head with and got back on a road that was filled with hope and joy by the truth of God`s word. My heart was relieved from the anxiety and hurt that had been strangling me.

So, then the battle is done ,  and I am just free to live happily ever after, right? No, that is not exactly how it works.   I have to tell you even though I now have the truth in my heart and have found joy and peace through Jesus Christ, the battle continues. Jesus never promised it wouldn`t. He said in this world we will have tribulation but he also said in Him we may have peace because He overcame the world.

John 16:33 - These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world. 

The war is still on though and the enemy will attack us. I still have times where I feel the depression creeping up on me.  Sometimes it is after I have had a baby, or when I just havn`t gotten enough sleep for some time. Financial stress can also add to it. Sometimes it can even be because I am low on a a vitamin or mineral.  It is important to take care of our bodies.

1 Corinthians 6:19-20 - Know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost [which is] in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own?  As much as is in our power to do so, we should take care of ourselves.

The biggest factor is to place our trust in Jesus.  We need to fill ourselves with the word of God though prayer , scripture and song.  There are so many verses that will help us win a battle like this!

Hebrews 4:12  - For the word of God is quick, and powerful, and sharper than any twoedged sword, piercing even to the dividing asunder of soul and spirit, and of the joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart.

Also God knew believers would need one another to stay strong. Talking to another believer who is walking in victory is very helpful.

Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 - Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labour. For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him that is alone when he falleth; for he hath not another to help him up.

If you feel like you are alone, pray God will point you to someone, or point someone to you. Be willing to open up and be honest. Perhaps you are hiding behind a wall that needs to be torn down. I know I have done that before.

Sometimes we are afraid to admit our battles because we think that being a Christian means we shouldn`t be having any. We might have gotten the impression that after accepting Christ we are suppose to be walking in victory without a fight.  The good news is that even though that is not true , the battle belongs to the Lord. We can`t win it on our own but we can let Him win it by trusting Him even when our feelings don`t match up with what we  know to be true.  If it looks as though you are not winning the fight, check who is fighting it. We will get very drained if we are trying to do it on our own and eventually will give up. Give it all to God and  we will make it to the finish line in this race of life.

Remember to always be thankful. Count your blessings rather than your tribulations.

Psalm 100:4 Enter into his gates with thanksgiving, and into his courts with praise: be thankful unto him, and bless his name. Psalm 100:3-5

Colossians 3:15 And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to the which also ye are called in one body; and be ye thankful.

May our hearts not become dark because we are not thankful.

Romans 1:21 Because that, when they knew God, they glorified him not as God, neither were thankful; but became vain in their imaginations, and their foolish heart was darkened.

If you are dealing with depression, Ì want to encourage you to talk to someone about it. I know depression pills are not a good answer for it, so I could never recommend that.   I don`t know what all the circumstances are like for you but I do know God has the answer to all our needs. We have to seek Him to find them.

I have been reminded again today of what it feels like to go through these feelings.  I believe God allows me to go through some things so that I can help others when they struggle with the same thing.

These are some of the answers he has given me. What is he saying to you? If you don`t know yet cling to the word of God.  Ask God to help you deal with whatever your circumstances are.

As I search His word here to share with you all , I am being lifted up and I thank God He always sets me free and again and that HE does not give up on me!

James 1:2-4 -My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations;Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience.But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing.

Ephesians 6:10-18  - Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord, and in the power of his might.  Put on the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places. Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.  Stand therefore, having your loins girt about with truth, and having on the breastplate of righteousness; And your feet shod with the preparation of the gospel of peace;

Above all, taking the shield of faith, wherewith ye shall be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked. And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God: Praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, and watching thereunto with all perseverance and supplication for all saints;

If our circumstances have been draining remember this:

“Our worst days are never so bad that you are beyond the reach of God's grace. And your best days are never so good that you are beyond the need of God's grace.”  ―  Jerry Bridges

We CAN do all things through Christ who strengthens us, It is a matter of believing it!

I would love to hear your thoughts. If you would like to comment but prefer I do not publish them to the blog, just let me know.