We were there to visit a new momma and her new born baby. For me this became a trip down memory lane.
As we got on the elevator, I met up with very familiar nurse named Marie. She had taken pictures for me of our first born and was just so very kind to us while we had been there.
Every step began to fill my heart with grief. I felt myself slowing down. My heart was pounding and I started getting nervous as we approached the rooms that I now remembered so well.
I found myself taking in a lot of details and just feeling the moments as the memories flooded my mind.
Just pass the nurses station was THAT room. The room they had taken our sick baby into several times and pulled all the curtains closed so we could not see what was going on. As a parent you want to be there when your child needs you... but yet I could not do that.
We must have walked by all these areas quicker than it seemed. Just across the hall from this sad room, was where I had stayed and was where we were now headed to visit a new excited mommy.
As we entered the room, there she sat on the bed holding her first born, with daddy sitting on the chair beside her. They were happy with excitement . It was a beautiful picture of a family.
More memories washed over me. There in that same bed, I once sat holding our own baby as he passed away in my arms. In that moment, I could not see any beauty in that memory.
My visit was no longer about this new family, it was about me. If I hadn't been so wrapped up in my feelings at that moment, I may have realized it was actually selfish.
I just wanted to run out. We stayed for a little while and even though I went through the motions of chatting with the new parents, my mind was not focused on it.
All the way home, my mind went in many directions. I thought about my very first experience as a mom- how it had never worked to feed him, or never even changed his diaper. I thought about how my parents and his parents stood around us as our baby passed away.
I also thought about Jamie. Memories of how he was rushed to Toronto hospital came back, the hours of waiting for his surgery to be over and the relief when we finally got to take him home.
Then there were the memories of David. The most precious memories were of when we took him home-feeding him, changing him, bathing him, cuddling with him and his older brother. There was also the memories of his suffering as we headed back to the hospital with him. The hours of waiting and trying to comfort him, until he found complete rest in the arms of Jesus.
We got home and I sat outside for sometime. As I thought about all of this, I felt sure that I never wanted to take the chance of experiencing any of this again. I told God I didn't want to have more children. I didn't want to risk being hurt again.
A few days later, I was staring down at my positive test results and in that moment I thought, "Please Lord , this can't be true.... I can't be pregnant. I can't do it."
©Nancy Wall
(Stay tuned to find out where the journey took us.)
